three words: i give head
three words: not that well
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
