3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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