I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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