took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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