I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
