hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
