On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
