It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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