Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
