my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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