too bad you live with your parents still
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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