i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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