Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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