Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
