I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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