im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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