remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
