you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
