Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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