I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
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