I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
