i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
