I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
