you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
