Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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