Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think I sprained my soul last night
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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