My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Enjoy the penises
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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