she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
