guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You brought string cheese to the strip club
we're so committed to being not committed
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
