I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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