Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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