She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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