Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
