I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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