I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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