If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
