dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
