You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
