If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
