Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
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