I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
