I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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