Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
