everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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