I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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