Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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