She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
