I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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