i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
