I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
