remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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