As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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