i just snorted my name. best moment ever
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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