he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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