I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize