Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
