the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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