Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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