Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
