If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
