toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
