sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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