I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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