Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he puts the penis in happiness.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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