Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
