My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
